In January, Britney Spears traveled the Southern California landscape in an apparently drug-addled, Starbucks-fueled, bipolar state — in the company of paparazzo-turned-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, who is now said to be marketing a 2-hour sex tape of himself and the pharmacologically restored pop mom.
As sex tapes go, this would likely fetch more than the reported multi-millions paid for a glimpse of the turgid ass of Kim Kardashian being juggled by then-boyfriend Ray-J, who was seen driving a new Ferarri shortly after the tape sold. It was reported that Kim held out for a piece of it too, and may have picked up as much as a million — maybe more. She’s now a “reality star” and “Dancing with the Stars,” badly. Ray J has subsequently been seen with the freshly resurrected Whitney Houston.
Of course, Paris suffered little harm from her sex tape, and settled quietly with her filmmaking BF, Rick Salomon, who went on to marry former sex tape star Pamela Anderson, who showed her best talent with gifted then-husband Tommy Lee. Salomon is said to have earned as much as $7-10 million from “One Night in Paris.”
Even “Mini Me” aka Vern Troyer was seen in a sex tape. In the future, everyone will have a sex tape for fifteen minutes.
But back to Britney. Adnan isn’t talking prices, but expect that a release of Brit in a sex tape could yield multi-millions, likely outselling her new album, “Circus.” I recalled this night the two spent in a Santa Barbara hotel, where it looked like they might have been doing more than sharing a lollipop.
Trying to drum up support among young voters, Grandpa McCranky spoke at Capital University in Ohio, backed up by his financier, beer heiress wife Cindy, and doofus running mate Sarah Palin, who has been virtually sequestered from the press.
The 72-year-old four-time cancer survivor is running behind in the polls as anyone with a shred of common sense comes to the realization that he’s a maniacal, unpredictable war monger and Palin is an airhead reactionary.
These two frighten me almost as much as the prospect of a third Bush term.
Unfortunately, Carolyn and I are at odds again (she won’t even answer my IMs) — so making arrangements for my imaginary daughter Amy is even more difficult. Since Carolyn was late getting back from her boyfriend Fahd’s mother’s place in Gardena on Sunday morning, Amy decided she would invite me in for breakfast since I had to wait after dropping her off — and she unwittingly attempted to serve these frozen breakfast sticks (which I’ve repeatedly asked Carolyn not to buy for her). Carolyn’s approach to the diet war is akin to the troop surge approach to Iraq.
As you can see by this recent photo of Carolyn that Amy sent to me with her Hello Kitty phone, Carolyn has lost some weight, but now she’s smoking again because of stress at work. Her boss at the PR firm is a major asshole — it’s one of the reasons we’re no longer together. At least her unfortunate “Posh Bob” is growing out, which I had the discernment not to mention.
Carolyn finally returned, with Fahd, who managed to tear himself away from watching the PGA Tour Playoffs long enough to drive her home, during which time his Kia got a flat. Here’s a picture Amy took of him earlier in the summer when they were at Raging Waters in San Dimas.
Amy didn’t have to make breakfast after all. Carolyn and Fahd had stopped at Carl’s Jr. and brought “brunch” — Monster Breakfast Sandwiches for all of them, only 730 calories each (420 from fat), 530 mg. cholesterol, 1,210 mg. sodium and 39 carbs.
I told Amy she could have one Chocolate Chip Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick instead. She was thrilled. You have to choose your battles.
Oh, there’s something very wrong in Fountain, Colorado. Cops say a teenager there hired two dudes to off his mom so he could sell her car and raid her bank account to buy breast implants for his girlfriend. And you thought your kids were bad. On the next Tyra!
Nikita Lee Weis, 18, has been arrested on suspicion of conspiracy to commit first-degree murder, after his mom, Hyun Weis, was attacked with a small baseball bat while making dinner, and managed to escape from her home. She was released from a hospital on Friday.
Nikita and his GF, Sophia Nicole Alsept, 21, and two men that cops say Nik hired, Juan Antonio Velez Gonzalez, 18, and Brandon Michael Soroka, 19, were also arrested on a conspiracy to commit murder charge, lending new meaning to the word “busted.”
The suspects had reportedly discussed wrapping mom’s body in plastic and dropping it off in the desert in New Mexico or Arizona. How resourceful.
This is ample proof that men (and some women) can absolutely lose their minds over boobs. All are being held on $50,000 bail.
With this week’s bank failure and high drama over the mortgage collapse, it seemed appropriate to visit the Great Depression. Here’s Bing Crosby singing “Brother Can You Spare a Dime,” which, adjusted for inflation, would be $1.23 today.
“That sure looks like a run on the bank!” When WaMu was seized, I thought of Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed saving that wonderful old Building and Loan on their wedding day in the timeless 1946 classic “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
Once the Depression started to turn around, thanks to the leadership of Franklin Roosevelt and his New Deal, films like “Gold Diggers of 1933″ capitalized on the recovery with stars like the adorable Ginger Rogers — who sings “We’re in the Money” — partially in Pig Latin.
An eighth-grade Ohio boy is challenging school administrators who want to prevent him from wearing this lovely makeup in class, saying it’s against dress code and a distraction.
Matt Allsup, 13, also wears nail polish. The boy’s mom notes that every student is required to wear a “character badge” pledging acceptance. “I don’t see why we have to wear them if we’re not able to express who we are,” said Matt.
I think there ought to be regulations that require certain students (and workers) to wear makeup.
Then again, after seeing this picture of Christina Aguilera at a Rock the Vote event last night, perhaps some makeup regulations are in order.
In what appears to be her final days, Amy Winehouse performed at the End of Summer Ball in London, where the singer appeared to be wasted, and did more grunting than singing.
Gosh it’d be swell if someone could get this talented girl some help. And a sandwich.
While Washington attempts to sort out the best way to approach the mortgage bailout mess, and the Feds seize Washington Mutual bank, the big news is… bad actor Richard Gere opens with Diane Lane in the unfortunately titled “Nights in Rodanthe” — in which Gere plays a doctor (ha) and Lane plays an “unhappily married woman.” Get out your handkerchiefs, estrogen and Boniva. Oh, and there’s the presidential debate.
We don’t know yet if Grandpa McCranky is going to have on a fresh Depend and be ready to face Obama in Mississippi, or if he’s going to be donning his Supercandidate cape and flying off to D.C. to beg bank depositors not to withdraw funds from the nation’s struggling banks. My feeling is he’ll show up, rather than suffer the humiliation of having Obama debate an empty podium, even though an empty podium would likely be a more effective debater.
George W. Bush is now making his last stand. He has successfully bankrupted the country, banks are failing, the credit mess will soon out-headline the mortgage mess, and Republicans continue to think, “This last eight years have been great! Let’s have another!”
Tune in tonight to see if McCainus has taken enough Immodium and Xanax to get through the debate, and watch as Obama hands him a golden ticket to retirement in Arizona.
