by Chexy on September 15, 2008
My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, announced as I applied her silvery blue nail polish, that she wanted a baby daddy. Apparently, she’s been reading copies of Us magazine that my ex, Carolyn, leaves in her bathroom. “Can I have a Larry Birkhead baby daddy, Daddy?” she asked me, and then added nearly by rote, “And can you Supersize it please?” — which tells me that Carolyn has again been taking Amy to McDonald’s for Happy Meals.
Then Amy insisted, “Sarah Palin’s daughter has a baby daddy, why can’t I have one?”
Seeing that Amy didn’t quite grasp what a baby daddy is, I asked her where she thought she might get one. “At Target,” she shot back in the disdainful, incredulous tone reserved for children who find their parents painfully unaware. “And I need one soon because my stomach is getting bigger.” (She’s big for 6.)
I asked her how she knew about baby daddies at Target, and she answered without hesitation, “I saw it on Maury Pobitch.” (Carolyn’s favorite show.) One hour later, Amy chose her baby daddy from Target — in the form of a plastic Zac Efron as Troy in “High School Musical.”
in
babies, can you believe it?, kids, mixups, my imaginary daughter amy, oh the horror, pearl clutch, sorry -- had to, uh-oh
by Chexy on September 2, 2008
In the release issued by Sarah and Todd (Todd!) Palin about their daughter’s pregnancy, they say, “We’re proud of Bristol’s decision to have her baby and even prouder to become grandparents.” Decision?! This is exactly the type of “decision” Palin would like to abolish! The nerve!
Some have suggested that she’s the next Thomas Eagleton, the VP nominee of George McGovern who quit the ticket after revelations that he’d undergone shock treatments. I knew Tom Eagleton, and she’s no Tom Eagleton.
It’s reassuring to see that the Palins were able to teach Bristol the virtues of abstinence.
Obama has taken the high road in this, saying that children should be “off-limits” in the campaign.
In other campaign news — George Bush and Dickie Cheney announced that they were abandoning their appearances at the convention because of Hurricane Gustav. How convenient! Now that Gustav’s petered out, don’t expect Bush and Dick to appear. McCain has enough Bush problems.
UPDATE: Bush will appear tonight — via satellite. Now we can witness mass insanity when the Republicans cheer the most unpopular president ever, whose legacy of failure will reverberate for a century.
in
babies, bad form, haters, hot messes, oopsy, politics, righteousness, sex, uh-oh, whatever
by Chexy on August 11, 2008
These two could be brother and sister, couldn’t they? But no, they’re hay rollers of the high stakes variety, because nothing says “I want you” like risking your future career as President of the United States of America — except being Governor of NY and paying $8,000 a night.
John Edwards embarrasses just about everyone by now saying he’s ready to take a paternity test — only to have Miss Rielle Hunter say there won’t be one. His interview on ABC was painfully scripted and had all the believability of Kevin Costner’s acting.
Johnny on the Slot is worth between 12 and 60 million, so he’ll be fine — and Miss Rielle’s refusal of a DNA test is the most valuable meal ticket a documentary filmmaker has ever had — at least since Martin Bashir filmed Michael Jackson at Neverland. Now Rielle will be able to get her roots done.
in
babies, bad form, bad hair, crap, ends, hot messes, morons, sex, uh-oh, whatever
by Chexy on July 30, 2008
Well, y’all, that lil’ baber musta been his’n afterallers! Candy corn-brained Jamie Lynn is gonna get hitched to pipefitter Casey Aldridge, and you know what that means… Aunt Britney will be Matron of Honor! Break out the Cheez-Its and grape sodey pop!
It’ll likely be a backyard affair in glamorous Liberty, Mississippi, where the teen mom just bought a 3-acre property — and it won’t be long now before lil’ Maddie has a playfriend — which will increase future K-Fed’s alimony. He better get her knockered up again right quick if he knows what’s good for him! OK! magazine gave these two hayseeds $1 million for the first pix of their baber — and that’s a ding dang lot of Lunchables — my imaginary daughter Amy’s favorite.
And thank you all for writing — yes, I’ve returned Amy’s cell phone to her — since her mother insisted on buying her a Hello Kitty bluetooth. Thanks a heap, Carolyn.
in
babies, hot messes, kids, little known facts, morons, my imaginary daughter amy
CHEXCLUSIVE: Here’s a pic of Nicole Kidman’s new baby girl — after finding out that her dumbass parents named her “Sunday.”
Chill, child. It coulda been “Apple.”
in
babies, morons
Mazel Tov! Pregnant man Thomas Beatie and wife Nancy are the proud parents of a healthy baby girl.
But let’s take a second to think about the courage of this happy couple, who braved a million punchlines while opening up America’s eyes to questions of gender, love and parenting.
And thanks to Oprah, we know exactly what kind of genitals she has — um, Beatie. Oprah’s genitals haven’t been revealed. Not yet, anyway, but the season opener for September hasn’t yet been announced!
in
babies, chat shows, oprah, plastic surgery, righteousness, whatever, wonders
Through my connections in France (from a one-nighter I had in the ’90s with an X-ray tech in Monaco), your Chexy has managed to get a camera up in Angelina Jolie’s uterus! First pix of the twins, right here!
I’m already sick of these kids.
in
babies, medicine, torture
by Chexy on June 13, 2008
Isn’t it just a little queer that gay marriage affects just 10% of the population (if that), and yet conservative politicians, church leaders and renegade clerks dwell on the topic as if it were the cornerstone of the apocalypse?
I had no idea that when Mike and Kevin signed up at Macy’s wedding registry it would herald the end of civilization, and that it wasn’t just an unfortunate plea for questionably decorated serving platters from Villeroy & Boch.
And yet conservative groups and religious institutions throw millions of dollars away in their eye-rollingly insane quest to stop gay marriage. Might not that money be better spent on things like famine relief, shelter for the impoverished, or education for ignorant church leaders? I know, they don’t have time.
Gay marriage has been legal in Belgium, Canada, the Netherlands, South Africa and Spain for some time now. America, land of the pilgrims’ pride, is once again the laggard among civilized nations, perhaps in part because of our simian leadership.
The church loves to trumpet the idea that gay marriage would lead to higher divorce rates. Pardon me, father, but Massachusetts (which legalized gay marriage) enjoys the lowest divorce rate in the entire U.S., while Texas, and swampy Mississippi have the highest divorce rates, and perhaps not coincidentally, the highest hairdos.
Then the fearmongers against gay marriage trot out that tiresome argument about the repercussions of allowing gays to marry — which they claim will inevitably lead to marriage rights for polygamists and those wacky bestiality fans — invoking images of Karens and Johns walking down the aisle with their intended on a spiffy retractable leash. No country that has legalized gay marriage has subsequently included polygamists and dog lovers, but horses’ asses like Bill O’Reilly love that argument.
Then there’s the nincompoop favorite that gay marriage will do irreparable harm to children, because married gays will adopt, when in fact, prominent medical and psychological organizations maintain that a loving household is the determining factor in a child’s health and well being — regardless of the sexual orientation of parents.
The institution of marriage can only be enhanced by allowing gays and lesbians to suffer through it.
in
babies, fear, gays, haters, little known facts, politics, religion, torture, world affairs
The gummy American Idol sweetheart has gone and done it now! It was revealed yesterday by the august TMZ that Clay Aiken’s sperm (that phrase!) has been used to impregnate the producer Jaymes Foster — who is not a man, but is apparently Clay’s longtime hag who lives with him in Los Angeles. I say, Mazel Tov! That little vixen! (Clay.) The above unretouched photo shows how he prepared for his new role.
Darn. I was hoping that Clay would be the second pregnant man. Clay’s sexuality has long been the subject of speculation by those with no perception whatsoever.
God bless Clay and his pregnant pal, who prove that a real friend will bitch out her womb for you… or give you his best shot. Okay, I’m done.
in
american idol, babies, medicine, wonders
by Chexy on April 29, 2008
Here’s that two-faced girl from New Delhi that they’re worshiping over there as the reincarnation of Ganesh — most often seen with an elephant head. She has one name, Lali Singh. And yes, that’s one shared dimple on her cheek(s).
There’s no word yet on whether Cher will attempt to help the child.
in
babies, kids, religion, sensations
