Back in the early 1970s, Elvis Presley shot his television set (see above). After perusing last night’s television listings, I had the same inclination. I’ve been thinking of giving up my cable, and this puts me one step closer. Here’s a sampling of what my choices were at 8:00 last night…
CBS was offering “Dogs in the City,” a new show about an animal shelter. This seems about as inviting as an actual visit to an animal shelter.
NBC had a repeat of the Betty White show in which she makes fun of young people who don’t expect old people to top their game. This is like “Candid Camera” with Depends, and has all the charm of a visit with grandma at the convalescent hospital.
PBS had something about reptiles and aliens, called “Primeval.” If it’s science fiction, or reptiles, you can be sure I won’t watch. Nobody likes snakes… except for people who have tattoos and unusual piercings.
FOX had “So You Think You Can Dance.” So you think you can watch it? I can’t.
The WB or whatever that is offered “Burn Notice,” which featured a “tactical assault team descending on Miami.” If it has anything to do with Florida, it’s unwatchable. Period.
I skipped over QVC’s kitchen sale items and the Korean Prime Time Local News, and the ESPY Awards, I mean, who cares? I’m not going to watch “Real Housewives of Orange County” on Bravo because I value my remaining brain cells.
FOX News had an O’Reilly repeat, as if it weren’t revolting enough on the first viewing.
TBS had back-to-back “Family Guy” repeats; watching them is nearly as depressing as back-to-back episodes of “Hoarders.”
Weather Channel had the oh-so-tempting “Coast Guard Alaska.” I’m queasy just thinking about it.
TNT offers “The Mentalist,” which I can’t envision myself watching, ever.
Lifetime has a lurid repeat of “Wife Swap,” which is nearly as alluring as watching some Brit yell for an hour on “Restaurant: Impossible.” How annoying is that bastard?
Speaking of bastards… E! offers more horror with “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” which I assume is the most popular show being broadcast at the moment, which in turn causes me to assume that culture is dead, buried and forgotten… and after watching for exactly two minutes, I wish that the Kardashians were as well.
It is only the Kardashians that can make repeats of “Storage Wars,” “Toddlers & Tiaras” and “Pawn Stars” seem appealing.
*near tears tone* It is with great sadness that I take to my blog this morning, as the breathless goddess of the airwaves, Ann Curry, has packed up her personal eyebrow archer (who works 24/7) and left the hallowed studio 1A, where Dave Garroway once frolicked daily with a chimp named J. Fred Muggs. *end near tears tone*
*happier tone* Poor, dear Ann. She’ll have to console herself with $20 million and assignments around the world. Pity. *end happier tone*
*optimistic tone* Curry joins a lengthy list of former “Today” show vixens, including Bubby Barbara Walters, Perky Jane Pauley (memba her?), Toothy Deborah Norville, Katie “I Can’t Pronounce ‘ING’” Couric, the Uber-Bland Meredith Vieira, and of course, J. Fred Muggs. *end optimistic tone*
Your Chexy was wondering who could possibly be dumber than Rick Santorum… so I decided to check up on some of the dumb and dumbest around, and some reasoning… you decide.
Heroes of the Right: Moronic Teabagger Sarah Palin, Very Dead Republican Barry Goldwater, Gun Enthusiast Charlton Heston, Gunshot Victim Ronald Reagan, Imbecile Real Estate Scion Donald Trump, Freshly Dead Hater Andrew Breitbart, Undead VP Dick Cheney, Radio Blowhard Rush Limbaugh, Political Third Wife Callista Gingrich.
Heroes of the Left: Democrat Playboys the Kennedy Brothers, Social Change Singer Bob Dylan, Cable Cutup Jon Stewart, Seat Defender Rosa Parks, American Wit Stephen Colbert, Hero President Barack Obama, Gay Rights Defender Ellen DeGeneres, Depression Stopper FDR, Political Great Rep. Barney Frank.
Refaced Scientologist Greta Van Susterin interviews molten hot First Lady wannabe Callista Gingrich. Keep an eye on her hair.
Rockin’ it old school… Linda Hopkins.
From 1934′s “Down to Their Last Yacht,” the strangest big musical number of the era. It just keeps getting better, and by better, I mean I can’t believe it. Wait for the ship scene.
It’s not looking good for you. You’re 84, you’re THE POPE, and you haven’t yet learned what Jesus taught. I expect a little better from someone who had the sense to get the heck out of the Hitler Youth.
Let me make it simple for you, Your Holiness. Gay marriage is not a threat to the family. Snooki is a threat to the family. Kim Kardashian is a threat to the family. Trans fats, high fructose corn syrup and Newt Gingrich are a threat to the family. Faygelehs? Only a threat to bad decor… and not all of them.
Since I have your attention, you might want to talk to your tailor about updating your look. Those glittery robes and pointy hats are so 2nd century.
There are only half a million gay marriages in the US. There are 76 million American Express cardholders. I’d be concerned about that.
When you look at all the things that ail mankind (and I don’t mean Catholicism), the persecution of the legal coupling of people who would like to have privileges that they pay for others to have, and calling it a threat to the familly, seems a bit like saying that dinner mints are a threat to civilization. Okay, maybe the ones with jelly in them.
I’ll try to say it like Jesus did, or better yet, I’ll let Him say it:
I give you a new commandment:
Love one another;
just as I have loved you,
you also must love one another. (John 13:34)
Tiger Woods’ ex tore down this $12-million mansion in order to rebuild on the property. I get it.
There are excesses we can all do without, but when one has the resources to effectively follow every whim and desire, it’s understandable why she’d want to tear down a reasonable house to ensure that every fixture and outlet is exactly where she wants them. No one wants a room with inconvenient outlets, let alone 9,000 square feet of rooms with them. Extension cords and power strips are so inelegant.
We all spend money on things we can do without. I’m a collector and single father of an imaginary daughter, so I spend money on chatchka nonsense made possible by disposable income. I like yellow pottery, so I buy it. Some people like bigger houses, so they tear down perfectly good ones. It’s all relative.
These Darfur refugees are not going for pedicures, pre-booking seats at the ArcLight or buying Caramel Brulée Frappucinos at Starbucks. Neither am I… I do have my own personal set of values.
How can I cluck my tongue at Elin Nordegren for laying waste to a $12-million house, while I throw out some minimally expired yogurt? If I had hit the cheating spouse super lotto, would I not be shopping for a larger home for my pottery collection?
Yes, I would. But I think I’d find an existing house that I liked, and just live in it. Unless, of course, the outlets were badly placed.
