Tom Cruise as he appears in an article on the InTouch site… juxtaposed with fey TV commentator Ross Mathews.

They’re practically interchangeable!

(The head device is a $699 Hammacher Schlemmer gizmo that shoots lasers into your head. It’s different from e-metering.)

via InTouch (ty J.Lo)

Sears Home Appliances.

Sears Hos.

Bring on the tap dancing kids.

Refaced Scientologist Greta Van Susterin interviews molten hot First Lady wannabe Callista Gingrich. Keep an eye on her hair.

Rockin’ it old school… Linda Hopkins.

From 1934′s “Down to Their Last Yacht,” the strangest big musical number of the era. It just keeps getting better, and by better, I mean I can’t believe it. Wait for the ship scene.

I think that’s clear.

Pippa Middleton I don’t mind so much, but Bri said he doesn’t give a shit about her, so I stuck her in there.

They’re back! Rose Parade hosts Bob Eubanks of “The Newlywed Game” and “Stephanie Edwards” of Lucky supermarket commercials (yeah, they’re gone) will once again bore the minions with details on the making of the ridiculous floats sailing down Colorado Blvd. in Pasadena today.

Last year, Stephanie said she was going to put nuts on her face.

I’m looking forward to seeing how that worked out for her.

Kim Kardashian is tweeting some, er, titillating news regarding a possible Barbie in her likeness. This makes perfect sense, since every red-blooded parent wants her daughter to emulate a failed porn star.

Kim tweeted at the Ken doll (yes, I really wrote that, and yes, Ken is on the Twitter, and yes, I said “the Twitter” ironically), “Merry Christmas Barbs @Barbie Style! Long time no see! What did Ken get you for Christmas? Miss you doll!” Then, “Barbie” responded, “Happy Doll-idays to you too @KimKardashian! See you in 2012?”

Well-hung rap star, lummox basketballer and vapid sisters all sold separately. Mercifully, there’s no indication that the doll will speak.

In other Barbie news, Donna Douglas (below, left), whose life has been consigned to being Elly Mae Clampett of “The Beverly Hillbillies,” has just won a settlement against Mattel for using her likeness without permission.

Amy asked me, “Does the Kim doll come with Botox?” I don’t know where she learns these things.

After Michael Lohan’s second arrest in as many days, I thought I’d put together a Stupidgraph™ to help understand why our culture is such a mess.

Winning imbecile Charlie Sheen, Khloe Kardashian mugshot, Danielle Staub and her eyebrows, momager Dina Lohan, polidiot Michele Bachmann, surgified dumbster Heidi Montag, slap-happy numbskull Chris Brown, box-of-rocks dumb Lindsay Lohan, starfaced tattoo girl, reality trash Snooki, country bankrupter George W. Bush, millionaire dumbfuck Kim Kardashian, Jersey emptyhead ‘The Situation’, Tea Party leader Sarah Palin, table-turner Teresa Giudice, and balcony jumper Michael Lohan.

Bad taste and the lack of any taste at all — always mystifying to me. Some people like plastic crap. Witness the “napkin holder” in the above photo, for sale on eBay.

If you do feel compelled to display your cocktail napkins, I suppose this is one way to do it… but why?

This, I think, begins a new feature on Chexydecimal.

Bidding begins at $1.99.

OMG! Kate told Camilla to go to hell! Bitter palace showdown!

And you know everything the Globe says is true.

Like, here, they totally know what happened to Dolly Parton’s chin.

Today would have been author Jacqueline Susann’s 90th birthday (dates vary), so it’s all Valley of the Dolls, all the time.

Here’s Dionne in a swing.

Judy Garland had the part, but she kacked.

Let’s watch the catfight, shall we? Yes.