i make shit up

So little is known about internet sensation Gay Carrington, I just have to make shit up to tell her story, which may or may not be her story.

Gay was reportedly born in either 1922, 1943, 1958, 1966, or 1980, depending on what source you use, or what drugs.

Her mother was a clothing factory worker in Leeds, which likely accounts for Gay’s slightly British accent, her dislike of discount outlets, and her continuing fascination with men’s zippers.

Her father was somehow involved in the manufacture of sewer caps, and his fortune was left to Gay’s mother after he fell in a manhole, and from what’s known, it wasn’t his first time.

Gay’s mother moved with her daughter to the sunny climes of Los Angeles, where she hoped the desert air would improve Gay’s health, as she was a tired and lethargic child, which she later wrote about in her first autobiography, “I’m Gay” — admitting that her “illness” immediately improved with her first taste of fame. And she’s been chasing it ever since.

Tired of Hollywood, Gay moved to Greenwich Village, where she became the toast of New York, and toasted often to New York. Gay landed a lengthy stint at The Duplex, where she sang torch songs, met her now ex-husband, whom she will only refer to as “Dick.” Nearly 500,000 LIFE magazines were recalled when she was quoted as saying, “I gave up that Dick because I wanted something bigger.”

She appeared in numerous Broadway plays, including a lengthy run as the wily Delilah in “You Kiss Your Mother with That Mouth?” and as the dimwitted ingenue Lurlene in “I’ll Have You Know,” and no one can forget her Tony-winning turn as Anita Bryant in the long-running musical romp “Oh, That Cooze!”

Like Hedy Lamarr, Gay has always tinkered with inventions, and developed the GayBerry, of which she says, “Just like every other goddamned thing in Hollywood, it’s still in development.”

But Hollywood beckoned once again, sorta.

Gay was Hitchcock’s first choice for “Psycho” but she had to “leave town” for a while because of some unnamed medical matter, fueling rumors of a Gay son. Of the debacle, Gay would only say, “I got the cock but not hitched.” The part went to Janet Leigh.

Years later, Gay would triumph in her own internet version of the classic, “Bates Motel,” saying, “Now Janet’s daughter Jamie and I are great friends. We have a lot in common.”

Carrington recently turned down repeated image licensing requests from Chanel No. 5, saying, “I don’t want my face on some smelly box!” She added, “Once was enough!” (See below.)

Gay still lives in NYC, having inherited the sewer cap fortune from her mother, which Gay invested wisely in gold, cosmetics, and ID Glide. Unlike Garbo, to whom she is rarely compared, she does not want to be left alone, but continuously seeks the limelight, occasionally showing up at Splash and other clubs “where I can be with my Gay friends.”

There’s talk of a reality show, a new film based on her second autobiography, “Your Gay,” and an honorary Oscar.

It’s so Gay, today’s Friday Face.

For more about Gay, visit her “Secret Diary” and her YouTube channel.
Note: This article was officially approved by Gay Carrington.

Gay Carrington illustration by gracious permission of Pretty on the Outside

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