The stench of Rep. Michele Bachmann’s presidential campaign overcame at least one pedestrian after she unexpectedly emerged from a radio interview in Des Moines.

The man was treated at the scene.

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Gabourey Sidibe, looking luscious in grape, kicked off the New York Cares Coat Drive at Bloomingdale’s last night in NYC, donating three of her old coats, which will be re-cut to create new jackets for several dozen children.

Isn’t that nice?!

The Duchess of Alba, Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart, as seen at a presentation of some poster yesterday in Seville.

Cayetana looked at the poster and, thinking it was a mirror, said, “I’d better comb my hair.”

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, consents to having a Maasai witch doctor examine her hair this morning on a visit to Majengo Maasai Boma in Arusha, Tanzania.

The tribal doctor, wearing the latest “color block” trend, threw up her hands and said (and I translate loosely from the Swahili), “Ain’t nothin’ to be done about this white woman’s hair!” and “Damn!”

Camilla and Chuck will continue their travels to the ends of the earth to find a cure for her hairdo. The doctor suffered minor cuts, nausea and dizziness.

The royals leave Tanzania tomorrow, but the search goes on.

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Crown Princess Mary of Denmark, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge and Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark arrive for a visit to the UNICEF Emergency Supply Center in Copenhagen on Tuesday, where they keep the worldwide holiday supply of Royal Dansk butter cookies.

UNICEF also distributes emergency food and medical supplies to Africa, where severe food shortages are affecting more than 13 million people.

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Joan Rivers, worth an estimated $300 million (she’s been selling her jewelry line on QVC for over 20 years), announced today that she’s hired Susan Lucci to continue performing “All My Children” in her Park Avenue living room, daily at noon.

“I couldn’t stand to see the soap end,” says Rivers, whose daughter Melissa will now play a role in the soap, “And I want to make sure Susan Lucci eats something. Look at her. I have bracelets bigger than she is.”

Lucci added, “It beats ‘Dancing with the Stars’!”

In a surprise press release, the Smithsonian Institution today announced a retrospective of Andy Rooney’s eyebrows, to begin this Sunday, timed with the friendly curmudgeon’s departure from CBS’ “60 Minutes.”

So little is known about internet sensation Gay Carrington, I just have to make shit up to tell her story, which may or may not be her story.

Gay was reportedly born in either 1922, 1943, 1958, 1966, or 1980, depending on what source you use, or what drugs.

Her mother was a clothing factory worker in Leeds, which likely accounts for Gay’s slightly British accent, her dislike of discount outlets, and her continuing fascination with men’s zippers.

Her father was somehow involved in the manufacture of sewer caps, and his fortune was left to Gay’s mother after he fell in a manhole, and from what’s known, it wasn’t his first time.

Gay’s mother moved with her daughter to the sunny climes of Los Angeles, where she hoped the desert air would improve Gay’s health, as she was a tired and lethargic child, which she later wrote about in her first autobiography, “I’m Gay” — admitting that her “illness” immediately improved with her first taste of fame. And she’s been chasing it ever since.

Tired of Hollywood, Gay moved to Greenwich Village, where she became the toast of New York, and toasted often to New York. Gay landed a lengthy stint at The Duplex, where she sang torch songs, met her now ex-husband, whom she will only refer to as “Dick.” Nearly 500,000 LIFE magazines were recalled when she was quoted as saying, “I gave up that Dick because I wanted something bigger.”

She appeared in numerous Broadway plays, including a lengthy run as the wily Delilah in “You Kiss Your Mother with That Mouth?” and as the dimwitted ingenue Lurlene in “I’ll Have You Know,” and no one can forget her Tony-winning turn as Anita Bryant in the long-running musical romp “Oh, That Cooze!”

Like Hedy Lamarr, Gay has always tinkered with inventions, and developed the GayBerry, of which she says, “Just like every other goddamned thing in Hollywood, it’s still in development.”

But Hollywood beckoned once again, sorta.

Gay was Hitchcock’s first choice for “Psycho” but she had to “leave town” for a while because of some unnamed medical matter, fueling rumors of a Gay son. Of the debacle, Gay would only say, “I got the cock but not hitched.” The part went to Janet Leigh.

Years later, Gay would triumph in her own internet version of the classic, “Bates Motel,” saying, “Now Janet’s daughter Jamie and I are great friends. We have a lot in common.”

Carrington recently turned down repeated image licensing requests from Chanel No. 5, saying, “I don’t want my face on some smelly box!” She added, “Once was enough!” (See below.)

Gay still lives in NYC, having inherited the sewer cap fortune from her mother, which Gay invested wisely in gold, cosmetics, and ID Glide. Unlike Garbo, to whom she is rarely compared, she does not want to be left alone, but continuously seeks the limelight, occasionally showing up at Splash and other clubs “where I can be with my Gay friends.”

There’s talk of a reality show, a new film based on her second autobiography, “Your Gay,” and an honorary Oscar.

It’s so Gay, today’s Friday Face.

For more about Gay, visit her “Secret Diary” and her YouTube channel.
Note: This article was officially approved by Gay Carrington.

Gay Carrington illustration by gracious permission of Pretty on the Outside

The has-been “Dancing with the Stars” cast for 2018 has been announced.

Former actress and perennial arrestee Lindsay Lohan said, “Fhrwmp druh fwahncinh!” as she is no longer able to speak through her mouth. Maria Shriver, looking more like mother Eunice every year, will represent the Kennedys. Back from the brink Leo DiCaprio, fresh from losing 80 lbs. on Jenny Craig, will dance. Celeb mom Jackie Stallone, 96, cryogenically frozen since 2016, will be thawed for the show.

Former child star and transgender advocate Justina Bieber, former Washington DC Mayor Chris Brown in his first appearance since his arrest and rehab, Gingers Have Rights leader Rupert Grint, Anti-Scientology crusader and binky advocate Suri Cruise, now 12.

Suri’s mother, deprogramming expert Katie Holmes, will attempt to dance, along with game show host David Beckham, internet superstar Gay Carrington, and a “Dancing” first: a hologram of Princess Diana at age 58.

Lovable Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lifted one of her pantsuited thighs and let one rip this morning during a “conversation” hosted by the National Defense University in Washington, DC, causing Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta to bolt from his seat, saying, “I’ve got no defense against THAT, Hillary!”

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