by Chexy on January 6, 2012
Tiger Woods’ ex tore down this $12-million mansion in order to rebuild on the property. I get it.
There are excesses we can all do without, but when one has the resources to effectively follow every whim and desire, it’s understandable why she’d want to tear down a reasonable house to ensure that every fixture and outlet is exactly where she wants them. No one wants a room with inconvenient outlets, let alone 9,000 square feet of rooms with them. Extension cords and power strips are so inelegant.
We all spend money on things we can do without. I’m a collector and single father of an imaginary daughter, so I spend money on chatchka nonsense made possible by disposable income. I like yellow pottery, so I buy it. Some people like bigger houses, so they tear down perfectly good ones. It’s all relative.
These Darfur refugees are not going for pedicures, pre-booking seats at the ArcLight or buying Caramel Brulée Frappucinos at Starbucks. Neither am I… I do have my own personal set of values.
How can I cluck my tongue at Elin Nordegren for laying waste to a $12-million house, while I throw out some minimally expired yogurt? If I had hit the cheating spouse super lotto, would I not be shopping for a larger home for my pottery collection?
Yes, I would. But I think I’d find an existing house that I liked, and just live in it. Unless, of course, the outlets were badly placed.
in
architecture, athletes, bad form, can you believe it?, chexy takes on, girls will be girls, money, my imaginary daughter amy, pearl clutch
by Chexy on December 31, 2011
by Chexy on December 30, 2011
Kim Kardashian is tweeting some, er, titillating news regarding a possible Barbie in her likeness. This makes perfect sense, since every red-blooded parent wants her daughter to emulate a failed porn star.
Kim tweeted at the Ken doll (yes, I really wrote that, and yes, Ken is on the Twitter, and yes, I said “the Twitter” ironically), “Merry Christmas Barbs @Barbie Style! Long time no see! What did Ken get you for Christmas? Miss you doll!” Then, “Barbie” responded, “Happy Doll-idays to you too @KimKardashian! See you in 2012?”
Well-hung rap star, lummox basketballer and vapid sisters all sold separately. Mercifully, there’s no indication that the doll will speak.
In other Barbie news, Donna Douglas (below, left), whose life has been consigned to being Elly Mae Clampett of “The Beverly Hillbillies,” has just won a settlement against Mattel for using her likeness without permission.
Amy asked me, “Does the Kim doll come with Botox?” I don’t know where she learns these things.
in
advertising, bad hair, crap, hot messes, kardashian, kids, my imaginary daughter amy, oh the horror, pearl clutch
by Chexy on December 29, 2011
Happy 75th Birthday to Mary Tyler Moore, seen here at a Broadway opening in September.
Mary has been a champion of diabetes, and has worked closely with the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. As many of you know, my imaginary daughter Amy has juvenile diabetes.
Won’t you make a donation in Mary’s honor? Thanks!
in
bad hair, birthdays, charity, kids, my imaginary daughter amy, old people
by Chexy on December 26, 2011
And so it was that my imaginary daughter Amy, 6, spent Christmas with her mother, Carolyn, at Carolyn’s mother’s house outside of Boston. Big Carolyn was excited because it was the first time in years that her three daughters have all been out of prison on Christmas.
I let Amy tell me the story.
“Grandma made a ham, that kind that comes out of a big can. Then Fahd said something about a big can to mom and she got mad, but I don’t get it. ”
“Aunt Crystal got mashed potatoes from the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Friday after work.” I asked, “Where does she work now?” Amy replied, in that incredulous tone that kids use when their parents are lacking in deductive reasoning, “At Kentucky Fried Chicken.” Mercifully, she did not say “Duh.”
She went on.
“Mom made chili, but Aunt Coleen said it was too hot, so mom told her she could eat shit, then Aunt Coleen said it would look better than the chili, and then they were pullin’ each others’ hair in the kitchen and Fahd had to separate them.
Aunt Coleen stepped on Fahd’s foot and he had to go soak it in grandma’s bathtub. Mom made him some special medicine called Jack Daniels.”
“He drank it all and feel asleep in Grandma’s recliner.”
I interjected, “I see Fahd wore his good shorts.”
“Yah,” affirmed Amy, in the Acton accent of her foremothers.
“What did they have for dessert?” I asked with some dread. “Gram made a delicious Christmas Jell-O mold.”
“How is grandma?” I wondered with a polite modicum of enthusiasm.
“Mom said Grandma was feeling no pain.”
“That was before the Christmas tree fell and the angel hit her in the head. She’s okay. I had a great time.”
in
disasters, food, holidays, my imaginary daughter amy
by Chexy on December 22, 2011
by Chexy on November 25, 2011
This was the turkey served up by my ex, Carolyn, as photographed by my imaginary daughter Amy, 6, at their Thanksgiving dinner, to which I was thankfully not invited.
“I was able to eat the insides of the cornbread, but they tasted a little burnt,” reported my grade school gourmand. This is a pic of my little Weight Watcher “pretending” to eat one of the nuclear corn muffins. Yes, I know, she’s big for 6.
“Yalda threw out her sweet potato casserole with the pan and all, sayin’ she wasn’t cleanin’ that mess.” Yalda is Carolyn’s friend, who works at Jiffy Lube, where her culinary skills extend to pouring water in a Mr. Coffee.
“Why was everything burned?” I wondered aloud, already knowing the answer. Amy said, “I dunno, Carolyn and Fahd and Yalda and her girlfriend Shalaha were having Cranberry Mojitos on the porch and then the next thing I know, the smoke alarm was goin’ off.”
“So we all went to the Denny’s on Western in Gardena. It was good!”
“But I gotta tell ya, Denny’s ice cream is really awful. It tasted like soap.”
in
holidays, my imaginary daughter amy
by Chexy on October 31, 2011
My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, (she’s big for six) insisted on being her favorite character, Russell from “Up,” for Halloween, as seen in this photo from the entryway to my apartment (hence the carpet).
I helped her with the badges, and she wore her mother Carolyn’s pants rolled up (I cinched them in the back so they would fit).
Amy went trick-or-treating with Carolyn all weekend. I found this under her bed this morning.
And this in her suitcase…
She apparently earned a badge in candy hauling.
in
my imaginary daughter amy
by Chexy on August 22, 2011
My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, was taken to the Long Beach Flea Market this weekend by her mother, Carolyn, who allowed Amy to ride in her girlfriend Yalda’s grandaughter Valakha’s stroller. It seems that Amy tired of walking just after they got past the ticket booth. Amy is seen here while texting me about her “exercise at the flea market.” Yes, I know she’s big for six.
Carolyn, in her stunning new beaded braids, carried Valakha.
I later received a text request for $40 to purchase a Miss Piggy doll, which Amy insisted she “could not live without,” a phrase she picked up from her mother, who is unable to live without alimony, Doritos and Bailey’s Irish Cream, among other things.
After the flea market, Carolyn took Amy for a Hello Kitty pedicure.
Carolyn and Yalda texted me later, revealing their Hello Kitty find in Long Beach.
And it’s back to court we go.
in
hello kitty, my imaginary daughter amy
by Chexy on August 4, 2011
