Field General Oprah Winfrey (left) wore this holiday-pounds-hiding taffeta Death Star bathrobe and standard issue gabardine trousers to a press tour cocktail party for OWN in Pasadena on Thursday, while shrill money mavenette Suze Orman (right) showed up in the cash-conscious husky version in pleatherine and sensible cotton.
General Oprah revealed that her recent intergalactic travel had caused some type of magnetic backfire resulting in the worldwide deaths of thousands of fish and birds. She is, however, making arrangements with God to have them all replaced. Should be done by Tuesday.
Last night I tuned in the debut of the Oprah Winfrey Network — which is covering the making of Oprah’s 25th and final season on that other network.
The new OWN promises to be educational, and I indeed learned some things. I learned that Oprah kisses her dog during morning meetings. I learned that Oprah does not know how to secure the top of a blender. I learned that Oprah experiences some type of godhead when encountering Naomi and Wynonna Judd, manifested in the phrase “That doesn’t work for me.” OWN could stand for Overweight Women Near — as many of the women working for Harpo are built like the Michelin Man, but apparently survive on Fiji Water alone.
If you thought watching the Oprah show was fascinating, then I’m sure you’ll find that watching what goes into making the Oprah show even more fascinating; nothing is a letdown, every risk pays off (this is TV, you know), Gayle is transported much like the Pope, and John Travolta is practically a trained seal.
In one memorable scene shot inside a trailer, Oprah is pacing during a meeting with a producer (there are thousands of those) and a weary makeup man is attempting to put blush on her while she paces. This was perhaps my favorite scene — next to the one where Oprah is holding a production meeting while having juice can rollers put into her hair. I couldn’t focus on anything but the hairdressing. Hopefully, there will soon be a show about nothing but Oprah’s hair, which I would watch with the fixed gaze of a hungry cocker spaniel.
What is most fascinating is the transformation of Oprah from egg-shaped frump to fabulously glam diva. This metamorphosis requires a small army that operates on its general as she battles her way through breakfast buffets and fearful producers, who after working for Oprah for years are still quaking in their blobby familiarity.
The “LED wall” suddenly opens to reveal the vowel-shouting Oprah we’ve grown to love. She appears thinner, taller and more beautiful than I believed possible. I am OWNed.
Oprah Winfrey, as she appeared in a Scarlet O’Hara-inspired Victorian bustle dress at Sydney Opera House on Tuesday, and below, Scarlett Johannson, who has separated from her husband of two years, Ryan Reynolds.
Both have failed to conceal their giant globes, one down under, the other above.
Oprah Winfrey wept as she revealed to Barbara Walters that she’s not a lesbian, not even “kind of a lesbian,” in an interview that’ll air whenever they air those things.
That doesn’t explain the blouse and earrings Oprah wore in Australia on Tuesday.
And if my ass were worth $2.7 billion, I would not let anything like that near me.
Or the koala.
Thanks, I’m here all week. Try the shrimp on the barbie.
Gayle King and her orange hair popped up at the US Open in Queens, where the O buddy looked a little troubled in her Lucite necklace. What do her eyes say?
This is probably the expression Oprah sees when Gayle silently tells her not to eat that slice of pie.
Noted Tom Cruise beneficiary The Church of Scientology has initiated a massive new round of online advertising; their latest attempt to garner fresh converts to the money-grubbing “religion.”
It’s at least a change of pace from the Church’s attempts to bury critics like xenu.net and Operation Clambake under a barrage of copyright infringement takedown notices and lawsuits. It appears that Google Adsense is serving up thousands of Scientology’s messages all over the web.
The Church is letting the money from its overflowing coffers do the talking. Wired magazine reported in June that Scientology even managed to get Google Ads on the Wired.com web site, despite Wired’s explicit request to not carry Church of Scientology advertising on its site.
Adsense users all over the net have been unable to get a cogent response from Google regarding their apparent refusal to honor filters to prevent Scientology ads. A similar ad blitz occurred in early 2008.
Those who aren’t blocking ads with Adblock Plus, the popular browser plug-in, will notice Scientology ads are even found right here on Chexydecimal, where Scientology is routinely thrashed.
Such blanket advertising has been detrimental to the Church in the past, causing web users to grow irritated with Scientology’s perceived sense of entitlement, proving that money doesn’t always buy the opinions the Church would prefer.
If several million dollars worth of online ads doesn’t work this time, they could always have Tom Cruise jump up and down on Oprah’s couch again.
Oprah rules. Not only is she a decider of presidents, she’s got the guts to yank her show off the air when it doesn’t sit right with her… as she did today after having a second look at her program on the 10th anniversary of the Columbine massacre, when it struck O that they focused a little too much on the wretched killers.
The glorification of crazies has to stop. Stalkers and maniacs are multiplying in direct proportion to their exposure and fame on TV and the net. I heard on the radio this morning that a new handgun capable of firing a hundred rounds will soon be available to the public. Oh, great, just what we need. It’s now easier to get a gun than ever before.
Be sure to watch the discerning Oprah Winfrey this Thursday, when she covers “’90s Newsmakers: Where Are They Now?” — featuring ice trash Tonya Harding and penis whacker Lorena Bobbitt.
Happy birthday to Oprah Winfrey, born to poverty in Mississippi on January 29, 1954. She’s now worth almost 3 billion, and she’s given over 300 million to charity. She’s a friend to the gays, the impoverished, celebs with causes, authors and dieters.
She also has six toes on one of her feet, and her blood line has been traced to the Kpelle tribe of LIberia. She is ranked as the world’s most influential woman and is credited with single-handedly turning the television into the confessional box.
She has claimed that potato chips used to be her “drug of choice.”
If you like dogs, and I don’t, perhaps you’ll enjoy watching Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson for an hour and fifty-five minutes as they document their love of their Labrador Retriever in “Marley & Me.” I’ve never been able to sit through a single episode of “Friends.”
That’s them at the opening last night in Westwood. It’s a good thing Jennifer Aniston posed nude this week on GQ, and has been doing promo by talking about Angelina Jolie, her gabby borefriend John Mayer, and whatever the hell she talks about with Oprah.
It’s nice to see Owen Wilson feeling better since his reported suicide attempt in August of 2007. He’s 40, she’ll be 40 in February. They are very well preserved.
