If you’ve ever wondered where Camilla gets all those marvelous ill-fitting garments (like the one she has on), wonder no more. The Duchess of Cornwall was spotted browsing the aisles at Trinity Hospice charity book and clothes shop on Wednesday.

The Duchess’ gorgeousness was slightly upstaged by a necktie peacock wall decoration.

Cam also browsed the books in search of a vintage hair mechanics manual, but found none. Obviously.

Getty

Have you ever wondered how the Duchess of Alba always looks so fabulously beautiful? Probably not, but here’s how they do it.

These wild clippy things are attached to Cayetana’s hair, giving her that extra curl that brings out her sex appeal… making her appeal to her new husband for sex.

The effect is at once stunning and deadening in its utter magnificence!

for Janet Cunningham

No, this isn’t one of the new queens on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. This isn’t even a man.

There’s happy news out of Spain, as you can see in the sanguine expression on the face of the Duchess of Alba. At least I think you can see it. Clearly she doesn’t have a care in the world, as evidenced by the fuchsia earrings and jaunty blue bow in her hair. Yes, this is ossified glee.

The Duchess of Alba and Alfonso Diez had no honeymoon after the October nuptials that solidified their July/February romance. There’d been a problem with Cayetana’s pelvis, requiring rest, and then there are the pesky austerity measures thrust upon the august duchess, which make traveling with an entourage a bit of conspicuousness best left behind palace doors, and heaven knows we don’t want to know what’s going on there.

Somehow, though, the newlyweds managed a getaway to the Loire Valley.

Speaking of grapes…

Team Camilla! Everyone!

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, was photographed in the team Arsenal’s locker room at Emirates Stadium on Thursday as part of some literacy drive.

The helmet is her own.

Our dear Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall has returned from her holiday respite — at last!

Looking refreshed, rested and reupholstered, with her purple plaid outfit out of the cedar closet, Camilla boasted about her delusions by wearing this insane apron, touting the merits of British food. Yes, she’s totally crazy now.

I had hoped that this photo meant that the Duchess was starring in a Royal production of “Sweeney Todd,” but alas, she’s just making meat pies for Betty Deuce’s jubilee. Nuts.

Welcome back!

Woe is us.

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, that royal vision of idyllic springtime, graceful poise, and the magic of gin and cigarettes, has been missing since Christmas.

Yes, Camilla was last seen at Sandringham on Christmas Day, but she usually leaves the Queen’s estate to travel to her home in Wiltshire, known as Ray Mill (below), where she can visit with her first family from her marriage to Andrew Parker Bowles, with whom she had two children and now has five grandchildren.

The large, red-roofed structure is where Camilla’s hair is forged.

Her Majesty the Queen, Betty Deuce, looked a little frosty despite her hot pink coat and inverted derby, as seen on a visit to St. Mary’s in Norfolk on Sunday.

Betty wore the Frosted Sunflower Brooch, which we haven’t seen her in since September 2010 when she wore her Creamsicle outfit.

Betty’s brass buttons and black bag bolster the brooch and black gloves. <—(Say that ten times fast.)

Kitty of Cambridge will become a volunteer with the Scout Association to fill her idle rich hours, teaching boys ages 6-10 how to do useful things like erect tents and light fires. Hopefully, she’ll be required to wear some type of goofy hat like this one she wore on Christmas.

Unlike other royals, following in the footsteps of her late mother-in-law, Kitty will take part as an active volunteer, rather than as a ceremonial ribbon-cutter. We’ll also be seeing more of the latest royal as she works on Action on Addiction, and a children’s hospice, plus several art projects.

In a related, personal note, I was a Cub Scout for exactly an hour. They wanted me to glue macaroni on paper plates in Mrs. Brenner’s basement and spray paint them gold. I told my mother I had better things to do. I was 8.

Getty

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, as seen on Christmas Day, wearing a modified Cossack uniform while on a jaunt from Sandringham. If only that hat were really the arm of a gorilla, reaching around to give her a holiday head hug.

You can almost smell the gin on Chuck’s camel coat. England’s cold.

Katherine, Duchess of Cambridge, has officially joined the asshat club with her kooky Sherwood Forest cap and “I’ll be Queen one day, bitches” smile, while Willy walks behind his father, wondering whether a good push might speed up this whole accession thing a trifle.

And Harry has the look of someone who has a booty call waiting right after this.

Prince Philip, 90, was released from a British hospital after a holiday cardiac scare.

Doctors advised Prince P to trim his eyebrows to reduce the strain on his heart.

Phil rejoined the rest of the family at Betty’s country place, Sandringham, where Betty’s father, George VI, died in February of 1952.

Only 20,000 acres.