Hypebeast Closet

I was a accustomed astrometry agnostic until my mother, a lover of all things woo-woo, appointed me in for a blueprint account with an aberrant septuagenarian astrologer alleged Fritz on my 18th birthday. In the 90-minute session, Fritz absurd a window assimilate my angsty boyish soul: Aggregate about me – from my banal attraction with Manga cartoons to my arbitrary appearance faculty – seemed to be accounting in the stars.

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A few years afterwards aback I aboriginal apparent Linda Goodman’s Adulation Signs, I abstruse that astrometry could appear in accessible aback it came to abyssal my adventurous activity too. Heralded as “the aboriginal abstruse blockbuster,” the book was about a self-help adviser for lovelorn astrometry geeks. Goodman takes anniversary of the 12 sun signs and explores the adventurous affinity with anniversary of the others in detail.

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Read more: What’s Your Horoscope This Week?

You don’t accept to get too abysmal into the about 1,000-page argument to accept that Linda lived on her own air-conditioned planet. In the foreword, she explains that she wrote Adulation Signs over the advance of a decade while cloistral in a apparitional accommodation at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, assuredly commutual the book in 1978, a book that brings to apperception Miss Havisham levels of insanity. (It’s account acquainted that, fours decades on, the book’s accepted heteronormative framework in no way stands the analysis of time.)

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Still, it’s adamantine not to be aloof a little charmed by Adulation Signs. Like your admired auntie, Goodman draws you in with her deliciously communicative tone, accidentally bottomward adventurous admonition in the anatomy of catholic cautionary tales. Sometimes it hits so adamantine the hairs on the aback of your abutting will angle up. Added times, you’re larboard cerebration what the hell was this woman smoking. You don’t accept to be a accepter to adore the book—true believers will apperceive it’s added about your blueprint anyway—but you do accept to be a accoutrement for a acceptable adulation story.

Revisiting Adulation Signs during these aberrant days, so abounding moons afterwards I aboriginal best it up as a above-board 20-something Taurean displace from London, has been commodity of a revelation. About centermost through account it again, it dawned on me: Could it be that I’ve anachronous every freaking assurance of the Zodiac? (Yes, really!)

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And so in the spirit of comparing addendum – and of course, Valentine’s Day – I’ve catalogued my adventures as they chronicle to the 12 abstruse adulation matches for my sun signs as declared by Goodman.

A few years back, an astrologer (not Linda Goodman) told me I’d do able-bodied with a Taurus. The abstraction anon addled me as a bit of a snooze. Who wants to date somebody with all the aforementioned acid adhere ups as them?

When I did assuredly met a Taurus man, it didn’t feel like I’d met my bout exactly. In some means we were similar: he admired bulb pots, yoga, blooming juice, and sitting beneath copse maybe added than any added man I’ve met. But in all added things we were worlds apart.

Oddly my aboriginal date with this Taurus ranks as one of the best of all time. In truth, it didn’t alpha out as “a date” at all: I was captivated in affairs his ceramics, so he access me over. One affair led to addition and somehow we concluded up goofing about arena ambition convenance with burst pots and BB accoutrements in the aback of his studio. Again acutely out of nowhere, he produced a bike bike—wouldn’t it be fun to booty a ride through Greenpoint at aureate hour he said. Sitting on the aback of this admirable bike fabricated for two, the wind alarming in my hair, was absolutely dreamy. We anesthetized by his admired aged abundance (or advance he had absolute taste) and again fabricated a pit stop for coffee. I anticipation to myself: Does this day absolutely accept to end?

What happened abutting contradicts aggregate you’ll apprehend about Taureans: he absolutely angry out to be array of a flake. Like best beasts though, he did accept a amazing faculty of humor. About a year afterwards that bewitched date, he beatific me a allowance that still makes me smile to this day: a bowl pot modeled afterwards a man’s lower anatomy with the words “Property of Chioma Nnadi” corrective beyond the butt.

Besides actuality level-headed, balmy airish creatures, Libras accept a acceptability for actuality acceptable looking. Goodman doesn’t authority aback in her delineation of the adorable Libra. She gushes endlessly about their “satiny voices,” their “gorgeous laugh,” their “beautiful eyes” etcetera etcetera. “A Libra smile is a baleful weapon that should be outlawed,” she writes.

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The Libra man I anachronous in my twenties was tall, dark, and yes, devastatingly handsome. Aback we met at a appearance affair in the Meatpacking District, I bethink cerebration I’d apparent him afore –because who would balloon a face like that? Again I accomplished I had absolutely apparent his face bashed on a advance for Abercrombie and Fitch overlooking 8th Avenue.

When he asked for my basal at the end of the night, I accurately anticipation he was joking. My coworker, a barefaced Gemini who afterwards ran into us on a date at a now shuttered bowling alleyway in Abutment Square, was acquisitive to allotment her claimed thoughts about this too. “Chioma, that guy is too acceptable adorable for you,” she said wagging her finger.

Believe it or not, the handsome Libra man didn’t about-face out to be such a bad boyfriend, alike if abiding affair was never on the cards for us two. (Libra is the basal of the three air signs, which is bad account for an earth-bound balderdash like me.) Truthfully, the appealing boy affair did end up actuality tiresome. Men and women would coquette with him shamelessly, again blooper their basal into his pockets aback they anticipation I wasn’t adorable – it didn’t assume to amount that I was continuing appropriate there, captivation his hand. One time we absolved into a Macdonald’s in the village, and the absolute collective erupted in a choir of wolf whistles. Still, accurate to his well-adjusted Libran nature, he never did let it go to his head.

Known for their ambiguous perfectionism, Virgo ability be the best anally absorptive assurance of the zodiac—as addition whose ascent assurance is Virgo, I say this with love. I already anachronous a Virgo who organized his closet so anxiously it looked like the central of a Ralph Lauren store; nubby cardigans afraid on board hooks aloof so, rows of altogether worn-in brogues lined the shelves; endless of polo shirts were neatly folded, again black coded. Alike in the affliction of passion, he’d abeyance to tidy abroad the clothes I’d tossed on the attic of his comfortable Brooklyn loft. God forbid I borrow one of his Purple Label shirts!

As Goodman tells it, it’s absurd to abduct a Virgo man for assorted reasons, partly because, as Virgins, they’re absolutely captivated with themselves. Alike still, she posits that for the Virgo and Taurus, “there’s a lot activity for the accord from the start.” This, in my apprehensive opinion, is awful debatable.

I will say that the aboriginal man to float the abstraction of alliance was a Virgo. Six years afterwards we bankrupt up, in which time he’d confused to Virginia, begin god, and been advancing as a pastor, this Virgo man alleged me out of the blue. “What if we fabricated a able go of it?” he said with a apathetic tone, as if he was proposing active acquaint not marriage. “There’s a appearance academy in the abutting town, you could advise there aback you move here.” I didn’t accept to argue my archetype of Adulation Signs to apperceive the acknowledgment was no.

Aries are accepted to be fiery, approachable types. In my experience, they’re additionally abundant dancers. My salsa abecedary was chiefly accomplished in that respect, awash with Big Aries Energy admitting his bunched frame; alike in his chunky, 3-inch belvedere sneakers, he was almost 5ft 7” tall.

As Goodman tells it, Aries charge “a birr of abracadabra to accomplish activity interesting.” Sparks did absolutely fly on our aboriginal date. Thanks to his able abilities – he was absolutely the Cuban Salsa Champion of the World – dancing calm acquainted like walking on air.

And yet what goes up… charge appear down. Goodman’s admonition on the amount is sobering. “You can see appropriate abroad that these bodies are not Bobbset Twins,” she writes. As predicted, the spell was apace broken. Afore I’d alike accelerating from abecedarian to intermediate, he’d begin a new brawl accomplice — petite, feisty, and a Sagittarius – in the avant-garde class.

This affiliate should apparently appear with a activate warning, accustomed the basal of bodies I apperceive who’ve had their affection burst by a Gemini. I bethink badinage my Gemini ex-boyfriend about this aback he aboriginal slid into my DMs. “You know, you and I are the abstruse bout from hell. We’re doomed!! HAHAHAH” I wrote with a flurry of clear brawl emojis.

Geminis ability accept a acceptability for actuality abominably behaved and inconsistent, but absolutely I anticipate they’re acutely misunderstood. As Goodman credibility out, you are about ambidextrous with two personalities. On a acceptable day, they’re accomplished conversationalists, quick-witted and awfully sharp. On a bad day, well, let’s aloof not alike go there.

The ambush to authoritative it assignment with a Gemini is to abstain their angry accompanying at all costs. My ex-boyfriend’s angry accompanying had an annoying addiction of appearance his beastly arch at the best contrary times, aback we were hasty to bolt a flight (evil Gemini accompanying can’t buck to be late!), or cat-and-mouse in band for a table at a restaurant (evil Gemini accompanying needs food!); there was boilerplate to run or hide. For this adverse situation, Goodman has affluence of sympathy. “Pity the poor Taureans who are faced with these two fast-moving people!” Aloof like I said, bedevilled from the start.

“There are exceptions, but the boilerplate Taurean babe who is awfully circuitous with an Aquarian macho is added accessible to actuality devastated by it than he is,” writes Goodman. By the time I came to apprehend these acute words, it was already too late: l was hopelessly in adulation with an Aquarius. Wonderfully gregarious, acutely humanitarian, and absolutely absurd to pin down, my ex-boyfriend fit the sign’s camp contour to a T. Goodman’s description of his eccentricities is abnormally uncanny, bottomward to his awe-inspiring abhorrence to kissing and aback rubs (though his attraction with Hello Kitty ephemera is acutely different to him.)

Did we acquisition accepted ground? Actual rarely. Where I was agreeable with dinner-and-a-movie dates, his abstraction of a beautiful night out usually circuitous amount commons at White Castle or breaking into abandoned barrio with his skateboard. What class! Somehow though, every moment we aggregate was bemused and enchanting. Alike my Aries mum fell for his charms, admitting she had his basal continued afore I did. “You apperceive he’s array of like a bottle of champagne,” she said anon afterwards actuality introduced, “fun for the night, but you’ll accept a hangover in the morning.”

Leos are usually big, warm-hearted creatures who like to be the centermost of attention. I’ve abandoned consistently had a bendable for them. For all my activity though, Goodman doesn’t assume to see abundant abundant arena amid us. The one affair she does see is a aggregate faculty of loyalty. Fun fact: I anachronous a Leo who absolutely had the chat adherence tattooed beyond his chest.

Me and this hypebeast Leo additionally aggregate a adulation of fashion. In actuality he would generally admonish me that Coco Chanel was a Leo (and yes, Barack Obama too). I acclimated to antic that he admired sneakers the way Carrie Bradshaw admired Manolos: you absolutely couldn’t move in his accommodation for Nike boxes. Ultimately, aggravating to brainstorm how we could anytime allotment a closet – let abandoned the blow of my lives calm – was about impossible.

In attributes as in astrology, apple and baptize elements are technically actual compatible. In the best-case book for a Taurus and a Pisces, they are “magically pulled calm in adjustment to backpack out the karmic antithesis of activity and reaction.” Goodman cites the poets Robert Browning (a Taurus) and Elizabeth Barrett (a Pisces) as the absolute archetype of this pairing. As the adventitious goes, their courting was conducted in secret; Barrett’s ancestor acerb banned of the union. Barrett absolutely snuck out of the abode to ally her boo.

Sounds all actual adventurous doesn’t it? But don’t be fooled: there is a B-side to the Taurus-Pisces activating that plays out absolutely differently. “The amiss aggregate of these two can actualize mud or quicksand,” writes Goodman. Let’s aloof say things can get messy.

Pisces are ambiguous and abstruse creatures, which makes them actual arresting for the simple Taurus. Accurate to form, my Pisces man appropriate we accommodated at the Russian bathhouse in the East Village. At first, I couldn’t adjudge whether this was arresting or maybe aloof an odd best for a aboriginal date. Already I’d got accomplished the standard-issue swimwear situation, and the actuality that I was about naked with a man I almost knew, things bigger considerably.

Little did I apperceive that beef accommodation and algid baths were basically this man’s raison d’etre. He’d ample his weekends with excursions to bathhouses in extensive corners of the Tri-state. “There are these abundant Korean spas that are accessible all night in Jersey,” he’d acquaint me excitedly. Naturally his analytical attraction fabricated it absurd for our accord to booty root; anon all affairs of blind out broiled up. Weirdly enough, I wasn’t that abject really; affluence added angle in the sea.

Admittedly, the analysis I accept on Cancer men is appealing thin. I will say that I’m adored to accept a candied and admiring Cancer man for a father. Cancers are accepted to be acute types and tend to accept a aerial affecting IQ. As Goodman credibility out, they’re additionally disqualified by the moon and decumbent to affection swings. They feel things deeply, so aback they are blood-soaked in adulation it can booty them a while to get over it.

Such was the case with the Cancer man I encountered aback I aboriginal confused to New York. He had kind, aphotic eyes, and a balmy smile, and yet you could about see the sad little rain clouds acquisition over his head. Admitting the accessible red flags, I persisted. Maybe my Taurean charms could advice about-face his frown upside down? “Love at aboriginal afterimage is not absolutely what happens aback an Apple assurance like Taurus meets a Baptize assurance like Cancer, it takes time,” writes Goodman.

Turns out this Cancer was added than a little admiring – but not about me. He spent best of our date at a tapas bar in Nolita affliction a contempo break-up. “She aloof broadcast beauty,” he said, extensive for his fourth gin and tonic. “It was like a aura glowed about her head.” I ashore about continued abundant for the patatas bravas I’d ordered to access and listened to the adventitious of his ex-girlfriend, a able Aries who had dumped him for a affluent Sagittarius freeholder and confused to Costa Rica, again fabricated my excuses and left. There was annihilation added to be done. The alone affair that ability alleviate his burst Cancerian heart, was time.

When it comes to my adventurous life, I anticipate it’s best not to recycle the past. In my experience, things rarely assignment out any bigger additional time around. The Sagittarius man has been the barring to that rule. He was aloof an awkward jailbait aback I aboriginal sidled up to him at a hip hop affair in soho. I was 22-years-old, three years his chief so about a cougar.

Predictably the adulation affiliation was short-lived. (Maybe three weeks at best?) He abolished and again resurfaced a few years later, a little earlier and maybe wiser too, but still active in his soul. As I had abstruse from Adulation Signs, Sagittarius are dreamers. They’re consistently aerial off in chase of adventure. Captivation bottomward a accepted job was never activity to be his thing. Alike aback a adorned announcement abutting chased him bottomward with the affiance of a six-figure salary, he had no agitation axis them bottomward alike if it meant sleeping on his mum’s couch.

The Sagittarius man “needs a woman who will accept all his dreams and not one who consistently ancestor his balloons with all-overs of doubt.” And it’s accurate that maybe too generally I rained on his parade. Aback he appropriate we try for a baby, I wondered aloud how we’d acquisition allowance for a bassinet in my tiny apartment. I mean, I already had two roommates!

Even still, our aggregate adulation of simple pleasures consistently brought us aback together. On the mornings that he’d airing me to work, captivation my duke for the hour-long expedition to Manhattan, I was reminded that the sweetest things in activity are free.

Of all the signs in the zodiac, Capricorn ability be the one that got away, at atomic for me. According to Goodman, Taurus and Capricorn are about body mates. “When these two beastly accommodated at the zoo, the arena all-overs with the accordance of destiny,” she says. “Who knows what success lies advanced aback a balderdash and a dupe get into accouter together.”

Sadly it took my Capricorn suitor a brace of attempts to alike get my absorption in the aboriginal place. The poor guy beatific flowers to my appointment alert – aboriginal blush roses, again orchids. (In all fairness, he forgot to assurance his name on the aboriginal bunch.)

Capricorns are bashful and reserved. And as Apple signs, they’re additionally appealing dependable. So don’t apprehend any curveballs here. This Capricorn man was additionally actual generous. Anniversary time we’d meet, he’d accompany me a babyish gift. So aback I mentioned on date two that my friend, a affable Virgo, had aloof had a babyish boy, he showed up on date three with a big box from Bloomingdale’s for the little guy. “Oh my god you should ally this man!” my acquaintance said blithely unwrapping the onesies. Was it me, or was this Capricorn aggravating too hard?

Regrettably, he didn’t absolutely get the adventitious to prove himself either way. Aloof as I was abating to him, the couch-surfer Sagittarius came aback about yet again; poor mister Capricorn was alone like a hot potato! If Linda Goodman would alarm this a atrocious aberration of fate, my therapist would say it was self-sabotage.

Picture the arena in Jungle Book aback Mowgli is hypnotised and abuse abreast suffocated by Kaa, the cunning boa constrictor, and you’re centermost to affectionate the circuitous Taurus-Scorpio dynamic. Goodman sums up the apocalyptic attributes of this abutment like this: “The added bound this abhorrence is disposed of, the better.”

Scorpions are adult and secretive, the affectionate of bodies who lurk on Instagram but rarely post. My Scorpio drove was for abiding far too air-conditioned to be on amusing media. He additionally suffered from Batophobia, the abhorrence of actuality in or abutting to alpine buildings. Instead of acrimonious me up at my office, a medium-sized building in midtown, we’d accommodated at a esplanade nearby. It was weird, but I admired him anyway. Plus he’d consistently appear cutting some ridiculously beautiful accouterments – maybe a crumb dejected clothing and a analogous headwrap to accumulate his dreadlocks in abode – again off we’d go for vegan lunch.

Perhaps analysis my hesitation, he never pushed the accord any further. Which is apparently for the best—because oh the horror! And yet allotment of me still thinks, what if?

This commodity was originally appear on Vogue.com.

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